ACORN Secret Bunker Uncovered

Knutley, TN – A young, well-spoken conservative student and his prostitute girlfriend have recently uncovered a secret bunker in the hills of western Tennessee that is believed to belong to the Assocation of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN).

Over the past several weeks, the couple has visited several ACORN offices, claiming to be a pimp and a prostitute, asking for advice from ACORN employees, who, instead of calling the police, offer help to the lying couple.

The pimp-and-whore couple stumbled upon the secret bunker accidentally while searching for a bag of crack for an upcoming routine.

Inside the bunker, the prostitute described dark hallways leading to dozens of rooms designed for dog-fighting, cock fighting, enhanced interrogation, something called “forced urbanization,” and Michael Moore movie screening, among other awful things.

The pimp-and-whore couple was stopped by a plump, shiny African American woman named Shawanda who demanded to know why they were there. In response, the pimp launched into his well-spoken routine about his whore girlfriend having tax problems. According to the poor young prostitute, Shawanda led them into a small, damp room with pentagrams scratched into the walls and forced them to dress in what the pretend-pimp called “African tribal clothing” and dance around a group of candles chanting about the benefits of a socialist economy.

Hours later, they were released by ACORN with free copies of the Communist Manifesto and 40 oz.’s of malt liquor.

George Gamblit, a senior advisor for the interest group Americans Against Government Control of Government (AAGCG), had this to say about ACORN’s secret underground bunker:

“Damn, really? Dog fighting and African tribal dress? Well I had no idea. It seems like somebody should do something about that. Are those kids okay? They’re not really poor? Oh, well that’s good.”